When we talk about miscarriage and infertility, we often talk about the parents. The loss they have experienced. The long hard road they have ahead of them. We talk about the years of trying. The countless nights praying and crying. The tests, surgeries, medications, and plans. We give our condolences and prayers. But what about the child still waiting. Still preparing and planning for the baby, they were told was coming. The child waiting patiently, wondering when their baby will arrive. The child who doesn’t understand why. Why aren’t they coming anymore? Why can’t we just get one? Why does everyone else have a baby brother and sister, but I can’t have one?

What about them? The one that came first. I am in tears as I write this. As I watch and listen to my son play with his imaginary sister. I watch and listen as he guides her and protects her from things too dangerous. I hear him caring for his baby every morning and safely tucking the baby in every night, and I listen as he sings the same songs I sing to him. My heart breaks every day I wake up and look into my sweet son’s eyes, knowing how he longs for a baby of his very own because this already so loved baby is just as much his as ours. 

We, as parents, will care for our children, guide them and love them. But there is a love and comfort that only a sibling can provide a world filled with imagination and laughter that only they can share with each other. When I look at my son, I see a boy that was always meant to come first. A little boy who was born to be an older brother. A child blessed by God to love and care for others. My heart breaks as I explain to him that we are doing everything to give him a sibling to love and grow with; it breaks as I hear him excitedly asking our foster care licensing agent where the baby is and begging her to please bring a baby. 

My heart breaks because it is the one thing in the world my husband and I can’t give him. Only God can grant his prayers and fill the longing in his heart. Giving him the role of big brother that he so clearly was born for. Only God can see us through and bless us with another precious child to love and raise. So we will keep our course and keep our faith as we navigate our way through this journey. We will pray for all those fighting the same fight and seeing the same sorrow in their child’s eyes. 

“In our hearts, we plan our course, but the Lord establishes our steps.” Proverbs 16:9


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